Wallpaper Birds

“We are here!” I called as I stepped through the garage door, following my son, who had opted for the back door instead of the front. My parents rose from the couch and chair where they had been waiting and passed out hugs to my family of five. The smell of the almost 45-year-old house was familiar and comforting. And the Ghost of Thanksgiving Past flashed memories through my head.

14 years ago, I labored in my parent's guest bathroom, staring at the birds in the wallpaper, waiting for the stabbing lower back pain to subside. This wasn’t anything like the doctor said it would be. I had begun contractions in the car and felt the pressure of the dreadful wait for a few hours now. We had come into town for Thanksgiving from our home, about an hour away. My sister and her family were coming, and while I normally would have been ecstatic to see everyone, all I could feel was fear. The physical pain took me by surprise, and in a blink, I held my second-born in my hand, so little and perfect and lifeless. I felt a new pain I hadn’t felt before. My body was unable to carry him to term, and the Lord chose Thanksgiving to bring him home. I stood there in shock, looking at his perfect little features. My breath left me, and I sobbed as silently as those wallpaper birds.

I don’t use that bathroom much, but when I do, and I’m standing there alone in that small room where only me and God and the wallpaper birds witnessed the birth of my child, I so desperately wish I could have watched him grow up.

Death and thanksgiving is an irony not lost on me. The first Thanksgiving was a feast thanking God for provision and survival after watching around half of those who traveled on the Mayflower die through the harsh winter. I sometimes wonder if those Pilgrims felt the same as I did. They watched their mother, sister, brother or father die, but wanted to thank God for the life and help he provided.

Gratitude is a funny thing. They say you can’t worry and feel gratitude simultaneously, but you sure can feel other things. You can be gutted with sorrow and still thankful; you can be confused, desperate and still grateful. I was certainly tender in my loss 14 thanksgivings ago and yet so thankful for my firstborn, my husband, and my family. I was hopeful for my daughters to come. Gratitude didn’t take away from the pilgrim's losses; it acknowledged humanity’s fragility, God’s sovereignty, and his provision. By God’s providence, the Pilgrims met natives who spoke English! Those precious natives shared their knowledge and saved lives. For the assistance, for the expertise, for the friendship and hospitality, the pilgrims were thankful. Thankful to the natives, thankful to God. In their loss, they understood Job’s cry, “And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”” Job‬ ‭1‬:‭21‬ ‭ESV.‬‬

It’s one thing to understand your place in creation, which is a struggle most humans have, but to be able to say "blessed be the name of the Lord means the one receiving the pain knows the Lord.

Maybe it wasn’t a child that died; maybe it was a parent or friend. Maybe it is a job or circumstance that presses in on you every day. The world says despair, the enemy says give up, be bitter and angry. But in Christ, we have hope, comfort, encouragement, protection and even gratitude. “O Lord, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, “There is no salvation for him in God.” Selah But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah” ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭4‬ ‭ESV.‬‬

The Scriptures are full of examples of people who experienced the fallen world in all of its broken sadness. Look at Joseph’s response to his brothers who sold him into slavery in Egypt. “But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” Genesis‬ ‭50‬:‭19‬-‭20‬ ‭ESV‬‬.

Even Jesus, while on the cross, in excruciating pain, called out the first lines of Psalm 22. Through his sheer discomfort, he reminded all the Israelites that had that Psalm memorized, “Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.” Psalm‬ ‭22‬:‭3‬-‭5‬ ‭ESV.‬‬ They also knew it says, “The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; those who seek him shall praise the Lord! May your hearts live forever! All the ends of the earth shall remember and turn to the Lord, and all the families of the nations shall worship before you.” ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭22‬:‭26‬-‭27‬ ‭ESV‬‬. However, the most incredible part of the Psalm Jesus chose to bring to mind at the very moment he was dying for the sins of humanity is that it ends by calling out to you. “Posterity shall serve him; it shall be told of the Lord to the coming generation; they shall come and proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn, that he has done it.” Psalm‬ ‭22‬:‭30‬-‭31‬ ‭ESV‬‬.

Yes, life is real; we live in pain and loss with no regard for persons or holiday. But Jesus has done it! His salvation is offered to us; we are the future generations Psalm 22 speaks of. Do you feel that in your heart right now? It’s gratitude! No matter what this broken world has drug us through. There is hope in the pain, only by Christ and all he has done. Maybe you have experienced a loss that took you be surprise. The death of a dream or the culture of Satan has taken something from you. Maybe you’ve experienced something that only you, God, and the wallpaper birds know about. I’m here to tell you there is hope in trusting Christ and, on the other side, a strange, unnatural gratitude. It’s supernatural, in fact.

As we unloaded the car and settled our stuff into my sisters’ and my old bedrooms, I watched my three children hug my parents and thanked God for the redemption of my pain. I thanked him for the hope he gave me when I had none. I thanked him for the little life in heaven I will meet someday and for his care of him while we are separated. I thanked him for his presence, his salvation, and the raw feeling of gratitude we can find in our suffering.

Wallpaper Birds Journaling Questions:

When was a time when it felt hard to be thankful? How did God use that time to draw you closer to him?

Read Philippians 4:10-20. Within its proper contexts, what does Paul mean in Philippians 4:13? How is this verse often taken out of context? How can you apply this passage to you and your gratefulness in all circumstances?

How will you be grateful this season, even in the hard?

Do you have faith in Jesus? Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus? If not and would like one, tell him. Ask him to be your King; tell him you believe he died for your sins, so you don’t have to. (then message me so I can celebrate with you!)